Kana Hoshiko

Such a long time!!!

2005-04-19T14:58:43Z

It has been a long time since I last wrote, but so much has happened. I left the semester at LCCC with a 3.75 GPA. I was definitely proud of myself. I am now living at Shippensburg University, and majoring in Psychology. I'm paying for everything on my own...and I kinda like it that way.

I'm not exactly sure what it was that compelled me to write...especially since I had a 7-10 page paper due in the same class I had an exam in today. I was up til almost 330am. Which isn't a bad average considering the fact that I am a college student. Anyway, I felt like I needed to update. I have this feeling that I can't particularly explain. I have about a thousand different thoughts running through my head and emotions to match each one. Emotions that I didn't know a human was capable of having. I'm not attempting to explain them, or even rationalize...just to put down somewhere that I am experiencing them.

I have more work to do. And chances are, the people that are popping up between my thoughts will accompany me in that endeavor as well. That's not a bad thing either...I have no regrets. Everything happens for a reason, and will continue to do so.

I'll try not to be such a stranger...
Peace and Love!!!

Thanksgiving

2004-11-27T18:17:02Z

After years of praying, I finally had one of my wishes come true. I have a huge family, and everyone comes to my parents house for dinner on Turkey Day. I have always wanted my significant other present, but there were always complications, or my parents didn't recognize the relationship. For some reason, perhaps by miracle, Carrel was at dinner on thursday. It may not seem like a big deal, but when I was little or single, it was the only thing I've thought about on that day for a long time.

We also went to Carrel's parents house for dinner. After my mom's wide assortment, her Italian mother tried to stuff me full of even more tryptophan. Despite the fact that I had to work 7-11pm...it was the best Thanksgiving I ever had.

Black Friday!!! I make sure that I don't have anything else to do on Black Friday, and I even took this year off of work. Carrel and I were up at 530am and arrived at Wal-Mart at 6am. There was barely any parking spaces! The store (a supercenter) was packed. People were elbow to elbow all over the store. We went to the mall after that, and by 1030am, I had almost all of my christmas shopping finished. So, we went back to her house and took a much needed nap. We lazed for a few hours, played with the dogs, and watched a movie. Bob and Kat called us and we met them at the mall. We shopped for a little, and grabbed some food. We went to Friendly's and I picked up the check because, well, they deserved it. I was so happy they came to visit again.

Lastly, we went to Caroline's house. So many of my old friends were there. I walked in and didn't stop smiling the whole time. We played an awesome game and my team won *victory dance*. It was so nice to see everyone again. We even took a "shameless photo" and a "Fosse Posse" one...it was wonderful.

So there was my holiday. I spent it with some of the best people on earth. I couldn't have asked for a better two days.

A la mejor parte... te amo diario con todo mi corazon.

Peace and Love!!!

Submerged

2004-11-18T20:04:09Z

I feel as though life is smothering me. It is tacking things onto my "To-Do" list every second and laughing at me when I can't seem to keep up. I need help in the worst way...not to mention a break. Carrel is a real trooper, and she tries her hardest to keep me on task. I appreciate that more than she knows...but it's all too overwhelming. Christmas break can't come soon enough.

I'm hoping to make a visit to DSU sometime within the next two weeks. Kat and Bob were up to see me again, Bob with crutches, and Kat beautiful as always. We watched movies, I made popcorn, and we bullshitted until 3am. It was the silver lining of my week hands down. As for Dave, Kendo, Sarah, and the others I have yet to see...I MISS YOU SOOO MUCH!!!

I must continue to fold laundry and clean...Carrel will be back soon. Then it's off to Math class...note the enthusiasm. Coffee is wonderful. P.S. to those thoughts...you were kidding yourself, and rightfully so. They were only a waste of brainpower.

Have a great day, everyone! Peace and Love!!!

Voices in my head...

2004-11-12T02:01:00Z

So, Carrel took me to Red Lobster after we went shopping. One of my favorite restaurants that I haven't seen nearly this much since we've been together. She's a doll and we had a great night.

More recently, I think I finally broke the ties for good with my ex. It's about time. I have good memories, but I know that too much has changed, and things could never have been the same. It's too risky a situation, and I'm far too different a person. Things are better this way. So, I wished her all the best while she cried, and said my final goodbye. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do...and the most refreshing. I feel like I just stepped out of a swamp that was dragging my whole being down. So...here's to the future, and the end of a twisted chapter in my life.

Things are getting so much better between Carrel and myself. We're not perfect, but who is. We're happy and that's all that matters. Looking forward to Christmas...I have some tricks up my sleeve.

Friends...I haven't stopped missing. I felt really bad today because I couldn't be a Kat's scene. I cried, partially because of PMS, but mostly because I didn't want to let her down. I've been so stressed and sick for weeks now and seeing her and Bob would have made me feel so much better. Plus, I wanted to see her do the awesome job I know she did. I'll try and make it up to her. I miss everybody from DSU...and I will be making a much needed visit.

Still things I'm not sure how to deal with. Thoughts that make no sense, and dreams that make me wonder what I've been thinking of subconsciously. They've been for weeks now and I don't know how to take them. We'll see how things turn out...

Peace and Love!

The ball has been pushed.

2004-11-06T18:52:27Z

I started on getting my stuff together for Shippensburg yesterday. I made calls, sent emails, and made significant progress. I'm proud of myself. Perhaps reform from procrastinator won't be so bad. I'm still nervous though...new people, new surroundings...I still miss my favorite people.

Speaking of favorite people, I was graced with the presence of two of them yesterday. *Big Smile* Kat and Bob came to see us yesterday and I was thrilled. It was a much needed visit and I can't wait to see them again. Of course, it wasn't all of them, and I'm still missing those who I haven't seen. If possible Id like to skip out on my math class and visit DSU. I owe many hugs to several people.

Not everything in my mind has been resolved, and while the talk with Kittie yesterday was relieving, I am still bothered. There are a few things I put into perspective, and feel like a jackass for. But those are few compared to all that runs through my mind. I'm hoping next semester changes a few things and makes me happier. We'll see then.

Carrel and I are going shopping today and pricing some Christmas stuff. I'll try to relax...I deserve it. I handed in all my work on time, went to my classes, and aced my math test. I could use a cappuccino and some window shopping.

And a note to everyone who reads this: check out my friend dave's journal. His last entry left myself and others speechless. He's an awesome guy and the entry should be read by as many people as possible.
www.livejournal.com/users/thestickboyofpa

Peace and Love!!!

Halloween -n- Stuff

2004-11-03T00:37:53Z

Well, for Halloween, I was actually two things. On Saturday I was a witch, well, a stereotypical one at least. I had four inch heels and fishnets if that provides any sort of mental picture. We were all supposed to go to a party, but instead we chilled at my house with lotsa food and a scary movie.

On Sunday, I had work 3-11pm, and I dressed like a clown. Suspenders, baggy pants, a painted face, and huge rainbow eyelashes decorated my person. Yes, I looked hysterical and refused to make food for anyone who didn't say trick-or-treat. I actually got a few jokes.

Today, I had one part of a final, and I did well. I'm doing well in all my classes, mostly to spite my parents who will not help me with school. Today is also my 15 month anniversary...still kickin'*smile*.

I'm in a better mood today despite my two ear infections, sinusitis, and bronchitis. My meds make me dizzy, and I'm always tired...no good. I'll live. I'll be better before I know it, as long as I hang on to this mood. Truth is...smiling feels great.

Also, I want to thank those who put up with me on a regular basis. They being Car', Sarah, Brad, Kittie, Dave, and my co-workers...they all deserve a medal for some of the mood swings I have. I love them all.

Peace and Love!!!

Insomnia

2004-10-27T17:54:09Z

I don't exactly know what other explanation I can provide for my sister and I both having a kind of insomnia. Perhaps it was my parents, perhaps it's living in this shitty town, or maybe it's all in our heads. Whatever the reason, it is inconvenient. I think too much the way it is, and when I don't sleep, I think even more. I have been so sad lately, with the exception of goofing off at work on Monday, and the conversation I had with one of my favorite humans last night. I can't seem to shake this blanket of gloom that hangs over me all the time.

It's not a case of not knowing what I want, or being confused about anything. I feel powerless most times. I know what I want and what I need, the problem is how I get it or how to go about getting it. I want to be successful, who doesn't. I want to be more than another hound in the dog-eat-dog society we live in. I need affection. I need to feel special and needed. I hate being told that I'm stupid. I have worked so hard all through my years of school only to get excellence expected of me and occasional transparency recognized...blatently recognized. I'm tired of reliving my childhood while others in my bloodline laugh at how much of a brat I was, how much I cried because my hair was being pulled, or how I was so stupid to get my head stuck in a rocking chair. I hate the fact that my brother and I don't speak because he disagrees with my lifestyle. Yet, I was expected to welcome him with open arms after he destroyed my parents sanity and much of my childhood. Perhaps I owe my love for acting to him...for getting used to going to school on two hours of sleep because the police were at your house all night arresting your brother and you had to act like nothing happened because "what goes on here stays here." Maybe none of this makes any sense...I need a hug.

My apologies to those who actually read this. Forgive me for bitching so much. I promise I'll write something happy soon.

Peace and Love...

sigh

2004-10-19T01:13:21Z

I need someone to talk to right now. The only problem with that is that I don't even know what to say. I sang tonight. Probably the first time I have for serious in a while. My father actually said that he liked it, which is nice to hear. It's nice to hear, especially when they go into detail and smile really big. I really like the soundtrack to "Wicked". That's what I was singing to. It felt good to let out notes that made my stomach muscles and hands shake. Very refreshing. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough to make me feel better. I feel like I'm missing something. I feel...empty. Not to mention I started crying when I hit a note, squeaked, and lost it. It was a shame, and I felt embarrased and ridiculous even though no one was in the room with me. I feel like I'm sooo not good enough. I wish I had the voice that other people do. The ones that give you chills and make your insides shake. I wanna do that...I've always wanted to do that.

As for this emptiness...I don't know what's gonna make it go away. And I miss those times when you're with somebody and they can't stop kissing you. They just scoop you up and give you those kisses that seem like they'll die if they stop. Yea...those are great. Well, good fortune to everyone, and may you have a better night than I've been.

Peace and Love...

Work, Work, Work...

2004-10-16T23:43:47Z

Yea, so I skipped Vietnam AND Math. Shame on me or something like that. I need to get my ass moving, no more procrastination. Skipping felt good though, a much needed break. Carrel and I went to see "Shark Tale" on Thursday...I definitely enjoyed it, very cute. Of course Carrel couldn't resist teasing me about looking like Lola (If you see it you'll know what I'm talking about).

So my nephew is here now and I got diaper duty. Eh, se la vie. He's precious and I fell in love with him an hour after he was born (That's when I got to the delivery room, I had school). I'm trying to teach him cool stuff. He already calls me the most adorable name: NeNe. Yes, that's right, I'm Aunt NeNe.

I worked last night til 11pm and had work at 7pm this morning. I'm tired, I worked my ass off, and we're all getting yelled at tomorrow at a meeting. Woot. This oughta be wonderful.

Anywhoo, As to how I feel. *sigh* The best way I can explain it is that I have all these thoughts that drift in and out of my head, and there are none I can explain in human speech. I feel all sorts of ways, and I have no way to express them to anyone. Not even those who can read my mind have penetrated this inexplainable barrier. Perhaps time will allow for a relief of this...whatever it is. I hope it comes soon.

Peace and Love.

Balloon hats...what a way to go.

2004-10-13T20:56:07Z

Last night we went to Friday's in "The Valley" to celebrate Bob's birthday. I was a very happy Nessa. I got to see some of my bestest friends in the universe. Needless to say, a smile never left my face. OH! And I got a waiter to make Bob a balloon hat...it was hysterical. Very good night, I must do that again very soon.

On another note, I had my philosophy midterm this morning. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Not as bad, however, my teacher is still a nazi. It was effective in making my brain hurt, but I came out alive. Let's just pray that I did well.

Off to Vietnam now. I need sleep and I'm tired of writing papers. But last night was nice...perhaps concentrating on that will get me through three hours of M-16's.

Peace and Love!

Sadness...

2004-10-09T15:12:03Z

Did you ever have that feeling where you wish you could cry, but the tears just wouldn't come? Have you ever stopped in the middle of a crowded room and wondered, "how many people in here give a damn about me?". Unfortunately for my morbid self these past few days, I have a lot. Perhaps it's just PMS. Let's hope.

As for good ol' work. I worked the deli all by myself last night. I did an awesome job. Everything was done and practically spotless. Go me.

So midterms are coming up for me, and I have to start on my stuff for Shippensburg. I'm incredibly nervous. I have to start all over again. New people, new place...new major. I wanna go back to DSU...I really miss everybody. I miss the DUC. I miss So'Co' Wednesdays, Smallville, Halo, Act III previews and Irish Whiskey, the many memorable occasions in the bathroom, and everybody who made me feel like being a theatre major was the best thing in the world. The ones who made everybody outside LaBuda seem no where near special enough. Even those who continued their performance when they weren't on a stage (They shall remain nameless). I miss everybody and I'll be down to visit soon.

Peace and Love!